Dial “L” for Murder

That would be “L” for Lucy.

Lucy just returned from her annual holiday in Wales.  There she joins other pampered pooches at The Dog House, a 400 acre playground for dogs of all varieties.  Her daily schedule includes a full roster of meadow walks, training and play sessions, rest with chews, exploration of woodlands, gentle strolls for “piddle/poo”.  I can’t make this stuff up.

This year’s report card was bright and sunny with comments such as:

Settling back into life at The Dog House with ease, Lucy seems to have really enjoyed her Christmas break…

She has spent much of her relaxation time chewing on a chunk of deer antler, the perfect pacifier full of nutrients and fantastic for teeth…

Lucy has been in a cheerful festive spirit, getting on well with everyone — all the other canines and her human handlers!

It all sounded so marvelous.  Just like a fantasy.  I imagine Lassie reincarnated romping among the pups.

So you can understand my surprise (and horror) when I read the last line item on my bill.  Listed beneath the expected food and grooming charges was the following:



Apparently, in her cheerful festive spirit, my dog murdered two sacred birds that symbolize peace…at Christmas no less!  Good Lord!

I have always thought of her as a dog who is all bark and no bite.  As a puppy she once managed to chase down a squirrel, was stunned by her conquest, and looked at me helplessly before releasing it from under her paw.

As Jeff commented, “It is more likely she devoured a couple of white chocolate doves”.  That certainly seems more to her taste.

Killed two doves…Really?  Is this not the face of total innocence?


I can just imagine her doing hard time, bartering with the other degenerate dogs for cigarette butts to keep up her addiction.  On her London walks, she loves to rub her coat into discarded cigarette butts, driven wild by the tobacco scent.  I feel like I live with a chain smoker…who also happens to be an accused killer.

Some families have a skeleton hidden in the closet.  I have a dog on the loose in the city.




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