What the …..?

Ooosh!  Bang Tidy!

This undecipherable declaration appears on all the city buses.  It is the apparently positive review given to a new British movie.   I assume the advertisers chose it to promote the film because these words will motivate people to want to see it.  It leaves me stupified.

Once again, I reminded of the “language barrier” that actually does exist in this country.  It is the art of swearing that provides the most color and variety in England. Most swear words are rather quaint: balls, bugger, bollocks, bloody, dash, sod, piss.  They hardly seem offensive.

I recently read an article that lays out the rules of swearing.  A guideline for the posh use of profane language.

Rule One:  Swear only in description.  Never in exclamation or insult.

Example:  The house is shagged. Or my favorite straight from the article: This phone contract is a wreath of effing arse-bunting!

Rule Two: Insulting descriptions are perfectly acceptable when uttered calmly.

Example:  Clive is a wanker. 

Rule Three: Words are important. Choose wisely.

Example:  Shit is too routine and mundane. To be properly rude use Shite as in:  The rainy weather this summer was total shite.

Rule Four:  Be inventive, mainly by adding ing or ly where it is not expected.

Example: This play is twattingly dull.

Rule Five:  Swearing is vital to bonding; done deftly, it is the sign of intimacy.

This rule seems universal.  The boss who swears at you is a tyrant, but the boss who swears with you is a buddy. 

Rule Six:  Always sound like you mean to swear.  Be robust and intentional. 

Never do things half-way.  That seems to hold true for most things in life.

So back to the inscrutable movie review:  “Ooosh!  Bang Tidy!”

All I can say, in confusion but with robust declaration is:

Dash it all!  What the fuck is that bloody bugger talking about?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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